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Bertha and the Jaws of Life
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Bertha McCrullers used to be a big ol sourpuss, and a pinched face busybody, nosin into folks readin habits and holdin em over they heads. You see, she's the libarian over to the Lumley Readin Outlet, which is a sort of second rate libary in Lumley. It really is a book depository, where they got all the old books don't no one want to read no more, but Jurry Toller got him a bee in his bonnet about the name "book depository" on account of his ma had the maiden's last name Kennedy, and it reminded him of the big assassination down in Dallas. So Jurry got the town council to approve a $1500 a year position of libarian and rename that book depository the Lumley Readin Outlet in exchange for he aligns all the council's car wheels for free once a year.

Now, it ain't a proper libary, on account of you can't take them books out of the buildin, but you can check em out of the stacks and take em to a table and read em there. Still need you a libary card to do it, so Bertha she got the power to give you that card or not, and look at what you're fixin to read, or what you're wantin to get sent down from the libary up in Turley. So you got to have you a real address, like 132 Right Hand Road, not "third trailer on the left after the gulch if you're headin north", and you gotta put your church on there as a reference, so those what don't go to church, or Lutherans, is out of luck if they want to read anything but the "Guns and Ammo" over to the barbers.

Anyhow, Bertha is as busy a body as they come, and she always gossipin down to the Miss Binky's Beauty Saloon on what folks is readin. So she gots her a bad reputation and the power to give you your books or not, and it ain't no surprise that when she got caught with her britches down, folks stopped what they was doin and took a good look.

Bertha, for all her supposed learnin ain't too good at figures, so when she goes out shoppin for control top stockins she takes Susie along with her. Susie runs the radio shows over to WREK, got a real popular one Bob's Slacktime Funhouse, and she'd real goods with charts and graphs and numbers on account of she got to fill in all these time cards and such when the show started and ended and when they said the call letters and such. Anyways, her and Susie was up in Humbert pickin out some of them Eggs for Bertha and ... well, let's hear it in Susie's own words:

"I am pretty advanced for these parts, numberally speaking. Other ladies trust me to translate those height/weight/size charts on the L'eggs pantyhose--although I read one wrong one and almost gave Bertha McCrullers the librarian a case'a the strangulated innards. If she'd just shut her fat yap about it, I'd have a clean record. So they had to use the Jaws of Life on her."

That's right -- they had to pry her out of her stockin girdle with the jaws of life on account of she wriggled herself in them things in the mornin before work, then had her a plate of grits, black eyed peas and fried chicken over to the Chik'n Fry for lunch. The grease from the chicken and the gas from the beans, combined with the grits down there in her guts to make a sort of gas infused concrete that bloated her out and made her guts hard as a rock. Couldn't squeeze that gas out for nothin, and it weren't but 2 in the afterlunch before she got so distressed from her condition that she called Doc Warner over to the libary to have a look at her. Doc gave her a quick examination, and allowed that weren't much he could do for her. She'd just have to wait for that lump to digest natural, but Bertha weren't havin none of it. She was in a panic, and she thought she could see her belly swellin up bigger and bigger. She commenced to moanin and screamin like she was havin her a baby right there in the libary, so Doc called the paramedics up in Humbert to get on down there and see what they could do.

Them boys from the Humbert Fire and Rescue come down there with the lights a flashin, and the KHUM news van was right on their tail, and everyone in town followed them trucks over to the libary to see what's the matter. Now, inside the libary, all the readers was crowdin around the checkout desk on account of the ruckus Bertha was makin, and then the other Lumlyites was crowdin in there, and the paramedics was yellin for everyone to step back, and lil Marlene Meekers was yellin at them paramedics to let her and her cameraman through on account of the Constitution and freedom, and it was a big ol mess.

Tell you what, Tater like to split a gut when that happened. Didn't see it happen personal, but Tater always watches the TV news when Marlene is on there, on account of she's so damned cute and he's got a likin for her. Turns out the extraction was more embarrasin than anyone thought at the time, on account of they showed Bertha's cootchie for a split second and didn't catch it until after that had gone out on the air. Thought that little patch was a part of the control top panel or some such. Now, some folks think it's odd that Marlene always gets them jaws of life features, but ain't nothin mysterious about it -- it's Geech Meekers runs them jaws for the Humbert Fire and Rescue and he's her cousin, so he always gives her a call when he's about to go out there and jaw someone out of this or that.

Anyhow, most of Lumley, them gots libary cards, got Susie to thank for straightenin out Bertha's attitude problem, thinkin she was better'n everyone on account of she knew which books everybody had checked out, and what ones they had ordered from the libary up in Turley. After her cootchie showed up on the TV, don't nobody can look at her without gigglin, and she don't hold nobody's readin habits over their head no more.