Kern's Holler
From TaterPedia
Kern's Holler is located 25 miles south of Humbert and 7 miles north of Lumley. They's near to 150 folks livin in the holler, including some of the holler's more well known denizens, (who Tater included here on account of they write for the Contrarian or is spoonin an editor or some such), like Tater Gumfries, Marlene Meekers, Miss Kitty Brown, Roy Hooter, Reverend BIOU, or Miss Othelia, Roy Cooter and his nephew Leroy Cooter.
Kern's Holler is really pretty damned modern, despite what some of ya might think. We's had electricity for over 20 years, and on account of there bein a river right near by, the water table is pretty high and most everyone has good well water. Also, on account of that high water table, ain't no outhouses allowed no more. Most everyone gots them a septic tank, and those that don't come in to the Seed-n-Feed to do their business, cause the toilet facilities are out back where Buck can't see em sneak in.
Let's see, there's the Chik'n Fry, that's the only real restaurant, and we got a mill, not a sawmill, but one that does custom and commercial millwork, that's where Buzz works (you know, with the laser aura piercin?) And we got a bar, the Capital Bar, and he serves pretzels with the beer, but that don't make it a restaurant, even though he gots a sign says "Eats" right there in the window. What happened is the liquor board come by and says you can't just serve pretzels cause they make you thirsty, you gotta serve some food too or else you can't keep that liquor license, so Jimmy he goes up to Humbert and grabs him a used microwave and buys a single frozen pizza, and he keeps that pizza in the beer cooler and the microwave right there on the back bar for them liquor inspectors to see, but he ain't gonna cook that pizza -- it's an investment to keep the bar goin -- and ain't nobody would eat that pizza neither because everyone knows it's 17 years old and ain't been frozen, only cooled off.
And we got a millinery, but they don't make hats no more, they just sell cloth and needles and threads and lace and buttons and such for the women folk. Ain't got no local law enforcement, but the county sheriff drives by every so often to see if we's killed ourselves off yet. Now, if there's a fight, ol Tater and Roy Hooter and sometimes Roy Cooter, if he ain't the one fightin, will break it up and hogtie them boys until they cool off.
Ain't no cable TV but we got telephones and Tater's got the DSL, but don't nobody else does far as Tater knows. They's a bookmobile from Humbert stops in every week, and they got a laptop computer in there folks will use to get and send the emails. It ain't online until it gets back to Humbert, and Susie plugs that thing in and sends off their emails, and gets the emails people sent in for the next time. Tater won't let no one use his laptop on account of Gulley Croaker downloaded some naked pictures of babies, wihch was real embarrassin when Tater give a presentation to the church ladies and was lookin around for that powerpoint in the folder Gulley made for them babies. Now, it turns out Gulley was just shoppin, or so he says, for a boy child in case Mardene weren't able to have her no babies (they'd just got married) but it turns out she's real prolific, gettin her twins every time, except for the last time when it was triplets. They's up to at least a dozen by Tater's count, while it is difficult to count when they's always losin em or leavin them out back or whatnot.
Oh, yeah, and we got the church, sort of. We built the His Right Hand Evangelical Church of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Nazarene about 40 years ago, but when the highway come through they redrawed the lines and put that in the Lumley township, and they renamed it His Right Hand Evangelical Quonset Hut, on account of it was a quonset hut, but damn it, Tater gets all fired up each time he thinks about that. In fact, he's so damned steamed he's gonna take a walks down there now. Good thing Rev. BIOU is the preacher there, or Tater wouldn't go at all. Folks in Lumley is worthless lazy good for nothins, and they don't deserve that church. Except for the Mexican folks. They do all the work and the other lazy SOBs take all the money and the credit.
