Fairy Tale Friday 31
Have this story read aloud to you, courtesy of Richard Skull
The Dissatisfied Cavewoman
Once upon a time, a cavewoman named Trina lived with her husband, Guh, and her two children, Ungh and Hurgh. She was a little dull, and not very bright, but she filled an important and natural role in cave society.
While Guh was out hunting, Trina would gather. She disliked gathering. The other cavewomen talked incessantly about their children, who swung from their drooping tits like needy, squalling tumors. They talked of receding body-hairlines, and their beautiful new super-evolved high modern foreheads. "Shug has new vessel for carry," they'd gossip. "Morg's man lie with Brok after big hunt!" They'd go on and on about walking upright, and fire, and the fucking wheel. She was sick to death of the god damned wheel.
Trina had to clean the cave. She wasn't crazy about the chore - the entrance full of dinosaur shit, all those wheel tracks to sweep up. Guh never helped. When she just wanted to sleep or paint crude figures on the wall of the cave in yak blood, he was after her with his lusty advances. Trina was seldom in the mood for this, either.
One day, she noticed a large and interesting rock formation, obviously a powerful deity, so Trina knelt in front of it, and said, "Rock wise. Rock larger than other rocks. Trina want not gather. Trina want not clean cave. Trina want not lie with Guh every night. Please, Rock, make Trina slack."
"Well, OK!" said the rock.
Back at the fields, a miracle had occurred! Farming had been discovered, and fields of organized crops to be harvested each season were planted, using animals and crude machinery. Praise the motherfucking wheel, thought Trina - someone ELSE was doing the gathering!
At home, her children had done all the cavework. Suddenly confronted with the knowledge that she was being replaced by the younger generation, she thought of the giant rock and scratched at her scalp with a thick fingernail. Trina was thinking.
And in the back of the cave, on a bed of pelts and skins, Guh lay with three nubile babboons, commiting various atrocities and perversions, the likes of which she did grudgingly, if at all. Hair and fluids were everywhere, and Guh was enthralled with an urgent enthusiasm she had never seen before. Outraged by the betrayal, and her own uselessness in the world, she ran from her cave to plead with the powerful Rock to give her back her purpose.
She got to the rock, and knelt before it, and wailed, "Powerful Rock! Trina regret someone else do everything! Technology and offspring and sexier, younger nymphos replace Trina in every aspect of life! Have no meaning! Slack too much for Trina! Rock, please take slack away!"
So the rock rolled forward, and smashed her into a patty.
On the other side was a smiling man, in a very sharp suit. His pipe was clogged, and he had tapped it a few times against the rock he was leaning on just before it rolled. "Don't roll away, Trina the Begging Rock!" he said. "I'm fixin to nap against you in a bit."
And the abominable offspring of Guh and the nubile babboons grew into powerful yetis, and thousands of years later, their descendants took over the earth.